On my time gap

I want to share my experience through this writing. I don't know how shall I say, good news or bad news.For me, it is a moment in my life. Where I feel cornered and alone on a dark room.

The time when I got the news, it slammed and surprised me. Boy, why it happened? How come? So many questions coming in and out with no answers. None can I talk to and share. As I don't trust they will understand what am I going to ask and believe on what will I tell...No one!
The nights I spent with silence and questions. And when I do remember myself, I was in huge park with so many big trees....green and peace. Someone hold me through for this moment, with pure love and warmth...make me feel safe.

It burst me, and am fulfilled within. Am is nothing but it's meant for HIM to be. Maybe I was rejected and denied, but not accordingly to HIS plan. He knows me well inside and out, on every bone in my body; exactly know how I was made...He chose my parents to whom He wanted me; and it's not an accident.
It woke me up to see the door is here, waiting for me to knock and ask.

Thank you for friends who stand beside and supported on me while am broke; it does meant a lot and I wont forget you all. I do still need the support till I can stand on my real feet on...as now it is just started the long journey; the time I lost for a while, need to fill up the empty side. The hope is still and will be stayed firmly till He wants me to join.

Thanks Dad, Mom; you both are the best for me......Thank you for choosing them for me.

Will HIM understands this ?

Seeing the road down from my room window; what am i doing here? I can feel the pain scratched and sorrow covering me to. Miles I took ....
Dear ...., whom am not allowed and deserved to call either to ask. Me; the one fully of darkness and far to get from perfectness for YOU. I know; it's not about me...but more than what am I worth onto? What could I give to....and how it would be....

I have been lost, and I know that I need to turn back from it begun. Yet, my feet can't be moved easily; I need and have the resposibilties under and beside me. My words to keep and be with them. Yet, I do keep that I would be able to bring them back with me....where I belong to. .It's hard to tell about what I have inside.

The blue I have at the moment is more difficult to described....then the last time I got. This one carried to nights I have had, appeared in my spare time, stifling my days. The first time I knew it, effortless me;stared me out for seconds. Blank to think either to say, only sigh to believe it 's untrue. Can't be!

Am I wrong doing these things? Will people hate me for this? Did I choose wrong time?
Those are appearing still on my head back to the day...I found it out. I wish I could tell or cry....but I can't. It just can't! I wont let him down. I am strong....if I could.

One thing I always do on my pray to YOU;....please...if may I ask....do make me strong...for walking to this choosen road to YOU. I took it as one of my blessings..